


Finding My Voice

by BSBLover2538



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-13
Updated: 2018-08-13
Packaged: 2019-06-26 22:07:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15672228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BSBLover2538/pseuds/BSBLover2538
Summary: Howie is often the overlooked member of BSB. Learn how he quickly makes his voice known and fights for the solos he deserves. Along the way, he finds out what he truly means to each of the boys in the group.





	Finding My Voice

**Author's Note:**

> Another thinking session, another story. I am still writing my other story, but this kept nagging at me to be written. I have always felt Howie was the "forgotten" one of the group. I wanted to write this story to show what I believe each of the guys thinks about Howie and what he contributes to the group. And in case you all haven't noticed, my stories are not beta-read. I just write (or type) out my stories and post. It is raw and uncut. As always I own nothing of the boys and all rights go to them and their management.

     Howie Dorough was part of the legendary vocal group Backstreet Boys for the better part of twenty years now. He had always been known as the shy one, the quiet one, and worst of all, the forgotten one. Howie was sick of it. Ever since Kevin came back, he had been relegated back to just bridging the gaps between the harmonies and melodies in their songs. He wanted, and felt he deserved some solo spots on some of the songs. He loved the rest of the Boys as brothers, but all of them seemed content with the way things were and he couldn't take it anymore. He had to find a way to make them see that he was just as important as them to the group. He decided that he would just not contribute anything and stay silent as the boys discussed the songs and argued about leads. He wanted to make them see that they needed his input, and when he had their attention, he planned to lay it all out for them. He needed them to understand why he deserved some solos as much as Nick, AJ, and Brian did. He didn't realize that he was hurting, and needed the boys to see that he needed their help to heal old wounds that had been plaguing him since childhood. 

     One day as the boys were discussing the songs for their new album, Brian noticed that Howie was unnaturally quiet and reserved. All morning his answers to any questions were short and clipped. He didn't react as AJ and Nick were their usual annoying selves, and just kept glancing at his phone, as if he was impatient for this meeting to end. In reality, Howie was seeing how long it was until one of the boys noticed his odd behavior. As he looked up from his phone, he noticed Brian staring at him with an odd look on his face. Howie thought that Brian would say something and he wasn't disappointed. Brian asked Howie what was going on with him. Howie brushed off the question, but Brian remained stubbornly persistent. This gained the attention of the other three boys, which is exactly what Howie wanted. He asked the boys if they really wanted to know what was going on with him. All four boys nodded their heads and agreed with Brian, the conversation about song selection long forgotten. Howie suddenly stood up and started pacing the room with an angry look on his face. This alarmed the boys who had never seen Howie do this before. Howie started by asking the boys if they could name any songs that he had significant solos on in their last three albums. Kevin, Brian, AJ, and Nick looked at each other as they thought. Howie watched their faces slowly realize that Howie had never really had significant solos since the Black and Blue album 13 years ago. Howie's face changed into a snarl as he started lambasting the boys with how he had been silent for this long, but he was getting sick of watching all the solos go to Nick and AJ with Brian getting the next most. He started ranting about how his voice was important to the band as well and that he had as much of a right to have solos as the other three.  As he was yelling, he brought up points that the other boys had never considered before. He brought up the fact that he had had some solos on the Unbreakable and This is Us albums but now that Kevin was back, it was like the Never Gone album all over again. He was back to just providing the bridging gaps between the harmony blends and the solo verses that the other guys had. During his yelling, Howie revealed hints of things that happened in his youth that caused the guys to look at each other in alarm. As they listened to Howie's rants, they made note of it and resolved to talk it through with Howie afterwards. After a solid ten minutes of yelling, he slowly lost steam and eventually started to cry. He brokenly asked the boys if he was worth anything to them and to the band. 

     Howie's question and heartbroken look on his face broke the other 4 band member's hearts. Kevin was cursing himself for not seeing what was going on with Howie earlier, while Brian was upset that Howie seemed to have no worth to himself. AJ and Nick were angry that they had let Howie go on like this for so long and were determined to show Howie what he means to them and the band. Howie was now sitting on the floor in the middle of the room with his arms around his knees sobbing. Kevin, as the oldest, stood up and slowly approached Howie. He rested a hand on Howie's shoulder and Howie immediately dove into his arms, sending him crashing to the floor. He sat up with Howie still crying in his arms, and motioned for the other three to join him. Brian, AJ, and Nick all joined the hug and the next ten minutes were spent trying to calm Howie down. As his tears lessened, he looked up from his cocoon in Kevin's arms to see the heartbroken look in each of his bandmate's eyes. He slowly sat up and got off of Kevin's lap. He tried to brush off his rant and crying as an out of character moment, but the boys weren't to be fooled. It had happened for a reason, and now they could slowly start to heal Howie and help him realize his self worth. Howie slowly started to get off the floor and asked the boys if they could go back to discussing the song selections. AJ noticed that Howie wanted a distraction after realizing what he had revealed in the course of his argument. AJ told Howie and the rest that they would go back to the song selections if Howie spent the night that night at his house with the other three and they could talk all of this out. Howie reluctantly agreed, and the moment had passed, but not been forgotten. 

     A few hours later found Howie, AJ, Kevin, Brian, and Nick at AJ's house for the night. The boys had a simple dinner and all moved towards the family room to have the long awaited discussion with Howie. As all knew this would probably take all night, they had filled up on coffee and energy drinks while they were at the office. Alcohol was banned for the night, so that they could discuss this without the risk of getting drunk. Howie opened the discussion by asking what the other guys wanted to know. Nick responded with the question of what do you think the 4 of us look at you as? Howie thought and said truthfully that he thought that the others just looked at him as a member of the band, and that he was just there as background vocals. The other four looked at each other in disbelief and immediately protested his answer. Brian quickly shut up and calmed the other three down. He asked Howie if he would like each of them to go around and say what they truly thought about him. Howie agreed, and the other four looked at each other and silently said it would go youngest to oldest. 

     Nick took Howie's hand and squeezed it as he began speaking. Howie looked up in Nick's eyes and saw nothing but truth looking back at him. Nick told Howie that he looked up to him like a big brother, and that Howie had taught him a lot about the business and how to manage his money correctly. Nick loved Howie's passion for the things he loved, and that his steady presence in the band helped corral his more outlandish tendencies. Nick looked at Howie as a mentor and someone who became a counselor for Nick when things got too bad. Howie started tearing up as Nick was telling Howie all the things he loved and respected about him. He didn't know that Nick felt that way about him, but knew Nick had a harder time revealing his emotions then the others. Nick shyly asked Howie for a hug, which Howie reciprocated immediately. As Howie pulled out of the hug, he was immediately grabbed from behind by AJ. 

     AJ spun Howie around and just took a minute to look at Howie. He noticed the broken look from earlier was still there, but there was also hope and peace fighting to come up. AJ noticed the bags under Howie's eyes and the troubled look on his face. He wondered how long Howie had been holding all of this in. AJ told Howie that he admired Howie's patience. AJ thought that Howie had the patience of a saint, especially after dealing with years of Nick's practical jokes, usually at Howie's expense. He admired Howie's tenacity and fighting spirit, to keep going even though things weren't always going his way. Howie's giving nature always brought a smile to AJ's face and although AJ now realized that he had been forsaking it for years and never thanking Howie for all he had done for him in his battles with depression and his rehab stints. Howie just lowered his eyes and looked away, getting embarrassed by the words, and not thinking he deserved them. AJ lifted Howie's chin and looked at him. He told Howie that he loved him as a brother and thanked him for everything he had ever done for him. Howie got tears in his eyes and nodded his head, as he heard Brian calling his name. 

     Brian looked at Howie as Nick and AJ were talking, and to see the self doubt and the lowering of his eyes and head broke Brian's heart. He called out to Howie and beckoned him over to the sofa he was sitting on. As Howie came over and sat down, Brian took both of his hands in his and held them. Brian spoke of his and Howie's shared faith and that Howie was always a mentor for him when it came to their faith and Brian always admired how selfless Howie was. Brian also loved Howie's passion and his willingness to help anyone who needed it. Brian considered Howie to be the most selfless person he knew. Brian brought up old memories from when the band was just forming, and that Howie took him under his wing and helped him with all the small things in the business and was always there for advice when needed. Brian looked up to Howie a lot and told him this. Howie impulsively gave Brian a hug and just held him for a few moments. Howie felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to look into Kevin's pained green orbs. 

     As the last one to go, Kevin had a lot of time to think about the man he considered to be his "oldest younger brother". As Nick, AJ, and Brian spoke, Kevin thought about what he really loved about Howie. Kevin loved that Howie was the one to calm him down the quickest, the one who let him rant about Nick's childishness, the one who Kevin went to when he was done with AJ's destructive ways. Howie was the physical embodiment of peace and serenity for Kevin. Howie never judged anyone, and was willing to always be a listening ear for anyone who needed it. But as Kevin thought, who listened to Howie? Kevin thought that he and his bandmate's did, but if they missed something as big as this, then what else did they miss? As Kevin poured out what was on his mind to Howie, out of the corner of his eye, he saw the other three startle in realization that Howie had always been there for them, but they never really had for him. They had all taken advantage of Howie and realized that part of his outburst was their own fault. As Howie listened to Kevin, he noticed the other three boys quickly come over to them and sit at Howie's feet. Kevin finished his thoughts with just grabbing Howie and not letting go. He spoke softly into Howie's ear that things were going to change and that he would be heard from now on. Howie got tears in his eyes at this statement and snuggled into Kevin. 

     At Howie's feet, the other three boys watched their two oldest brothers release their tears and resolved to listen to their older brother. Nick and AJ wanted to ask Howie about his childhood, but Brian beat them to the question. Brian asked Howie about his childhood, and why his self esteem was so low. Howie got a deer in headlights look, and tried to change the subject. Kevin held his brother tighter, while AJ told him that no one here would judge what he told them, and that they just wanted to help him out if they could. Howie slowly started to reveal that he was bullied heavily in school, and that all the teachers ignored it. He tried to tell one teacher, but he was brushed off because "he's a guy, he should be able to take a little ribbing". Howie was mercilessly picked on for his clothes, the way he looked, and the fact that he really didn't have friends and preferred the arts over sports. He was teased, made fun of, tripped in the hallways, all sorts of typical bullying behavior. When he was in school he was repeatedly told he was worthless and didn't deserve to live. He had taken to hiding in the library with his walkman listening to music to try to escape the world. As Howie was talking, the four guys started getting angrier and angrier. They were not mad at Howie at all, but mad at the school and the teachers for not doing a thing to stop it and not noticing Howie withdrawing from the world.

     Howie told the guys that once he got out of school, things got better, but the damage was done. He always had thoughts of self doubt when he was struggling. The other 4 guys slowly realized this explained a lot of things about Howie. Why they never went to his schools when they were filming the documentary, why he chose to have the least amount of screentime on said documentary, and why he never really talked about his childhood outside of his family. As the pieces slowly fell into place, the boys resolved to help their brother out with his feelings and told themselves that they would be there for him through anything. They wanted to see Howie learn from his past and that it doesn't define him now. They hoped that Howie would build up his self worth and become just as self assured as they were about who they were and what they brought to the group. But the guys were not naive enough to believe that it would happen in a short amount of time. It would take years to try and undo the damage that 12 years of school inflicted on Howie.   

     Howie revealed that the feelings of self doubt and worthlessness were creeping back up with the wanting to have solos in the new songs. He was beginning to doubt that he was worth anything to the band, and wanted to prove it to the other four by getting some solos. The other four looked at each other and resolved to talk to their record label the next day to rework some of the songs to get Howie some solos. AJ, Brian, Kevin, and Nick knew they needed to make it up big time to Howie and told Howie this. Howie tried to brush it off saying that what they had done tonight was more than enough, but Nick overruled him and said that they needed to have "Brothers Night" at least once a month to get things out in the open. Any issues they were having, be it personal or band wise, could be openly talked about with each other and worked on. The 5 members knew it would take a long time to heal for Howie and told themselves and him that they would be there every step of the way. No way was their big/little brother going to suffer in silence anymore. The five band members started reminiscing about Howie's contributions to the group, namely his unending patience with Nick. They spent the rest of the night talking through memories and just enjoying each other's company.

     The next morning found five boys very tired but feeling lighter than they had in years. Howie in particular was feeling very happy and proud that he had finally opened up to his brothers and shared what had been plaguing him for years now. His doubts were still there but he now knew he could talk about them with his brothers and not try to hide them anymore. Howie was very excited about this next album, and knew that his brothers would fight for him to have some solos on songs. He hoped now that the band could be together for the next twenty years. Howie knew that even if the band stopped making music, he had four brothers for life. As the years went by, and with talking to his brothers and eventually a therapist, Howie was able to let go of his childhood demons and realize who he was. He was Howard Dwaine Dorough, a son, brother, husband, father, Backstreet Boy, and most importantly was worth everything to his family and friends. 

**Author's Note:**

> This story has also healed some hurts for me. It is what I wish would have happened when I was in high school. High school was a rough time for me socially and in my personal life. I identify with Howie and his private nature a lot. He has one of the best voices out there, and I wish he had more solos. Thank you all for reading my first one-shot and I hope you enjoyed it. As always comments and critques are always welcome.


End file.
